This is how it started....
After work I had to do some grocery shopping. Some of you may know that I hate grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is not a hobby, it is not a social occasion, it is not the opportunity to take the whole family on an adventure. This is the rule of grocery shopping.... You go in, you get your shit, and you get the hell out.... as fast as possible. Simple. I don't understand why 97% of the population doesn't obey the rules.
So anyway, I did some grocery shopping. I know I had zero bread left in my house, so I needed bread. Except all the good bread was gone. I like the fresh baked 4 seeds bread at Woolworths, it's my favourite. Four days ago it was all sold out, but they had some rather magnificent looking 4 seeds bread rolls. Six to be exact, all packaged up in a nice plastic bag. I bought the bread rolls and was quite excited about making a burger for dinner.
It was going to be a magnificent burger.... a home made veggie patty, with lots of cheese and lettuce and tomato and mustard and ketchup. All on a toasted bread roll. I was super excited! Except I shouldn't have been.....
This is what happened next....
When I got home I took my grocery's upstairs and put them on the floor next to the cupboard so I could put them away. I put all the cold stuff away in the fridge... stuff like the cheese and the orange juice and the milk. And then I heard it....
Orange Cat was making that Mreow, mreow, mreow noise. The kind of noise that I know means she has brought me a present. I know Orange loves me a whole bunch because she brings me lots of presents. Except Orange's presents are never nice presents like flowers, they are always presents of the animal kind, like mice or geckos.
Orange was at the back of the house, in the computer room. The computer room does have a computer in it but I never use it, I prefer to use my laptop. I like my laptop, it really is great. Except when I'm using it and Orange decides she want a pat and makes me spill a drink into it. Then it's not so great because it stops working.... thankfully I have accident insurance and it only cost me $300 to get a brand new one. My new laptop is just as great as my old one... except it's 3 years newer, pretty happy about that.
So I left the remainder of the grocery's on the floor next to the cupboard and went to the computer room. Clearly Orange is evil, evil to the core. She had brought me a gecko and was happily crunching away on it. Nice. I decided to get changed out of my work clothes so I didn't have to listen to her eating her snack. Orange came into the bedroom exactly 19 seconds later. She normally eats all of her presents, but when I had a look to make sure I noticed she had left the head behind. I guess Orange had had enough gecko for the night and as usual she left the remains for me to clean up.
Cleaning up a gecko head involves getting the broom and dustpan out of the closet, closing my eyes and sweeping it up. Then very very quickly running to the front deck and hurling it as far as I can, preferably into my neighbours yard.
At this stage I hardly noticed that Brown was nowhere to be seen. Pretty normal when I come home, he likes to explore the front yard before we go for a walk. I figured he was probably doing a poop. He wasn't gone long.... but it was long enough.
You see, I got distracted after cleaning up the gecko head. I took Brown for a walk then came home and watched a bit of TV. At exactly 7:21 I decided I wanted to make dinner.... my magnificent burger was just waiting to be made and eaten.
I realised that the grocery's were still on the floor so I started putting them away. As I was putting them away I noticed that the bread rolls were missing. Maybe I had already put them away? I searched and searched and searched and searched. Then I searched some more. Brown helped me search. While I looked in the dishwasher Brown looked in Orange's litter box, he may have found a special treat in there... but not my bread rolls.
I started thinking that maybe I was losing my mind. How on earth do 6 bread rolls go missing. First I thought I must have left them behind at the grocery store, but was pretty sure I hadn't. Then I thought they had fallen out of the bag and were still in my car. But it was really dark and raining and I didn't feel like getting wet, so I didn't check. After searching for so long I was resigned to the fact that I would not be having a magnificent burger after all. I guessed I would find the bread rolls in my car the next morning and could have a magnificent burger the following night. So instead I just had salad.
The outcome of the Conspiracy Theory....
After eating my salad it was time for bed. The usual routine.... feed Orange, give Brown his porkette, and go to bed. You may recall that since Brown got hit by a motorbike in February he sleeps inside now. He normally sleeps all night long without wanting to go outside to pee. That night was different....
At exactly 2:28am I heard the tip tip tip of Brown on my hardwood floors. Tip tip tip... then a nuzzle on my face. Normally if this happens I just say 'go to bed' then I hear him tip tip tip back to his chair and I fall back to sleep. This time that didn't work.... Brown really really wanted to go outside.
So I got up and let Brown outside. I figured he had to pee really really bad. Except I heard him go into his house instead. A little bit odd. I went to the fridge and had a drink of water and waited a while. Exactly 1.39 minutes later I called Brown to come back to bed inside. I heard him get out of his house.
Still 91% asleep I didn't think anything of it except it was a little bit odd. After all in the morning I would find my bread rolls in my car and could look forward to a magnificent burger that night.
Except that was not the case.....
In the morning I went to my car to drive to the train station to go to work. There were zero bread rolls in my car. I was very confused, they were meant to be there after all. I got into the car and was about to start it up when I had a thought.... I might just have a quick peek into Browns house.
This is what I found....
The only remains of my bread rolls... there are even a few seeds stuck on it. I guess Brown didn't like the taste of the paper.
So thinking back, this is what really happened....
During the day Brown and Orange had one of their special meetings to conspire against me. It has been a while.
If I came home with food Orange would distract me.
Brown would then be free to take an opportunity to steal some food.
Brown stole the bread rolls and took them into his house while I was getting rid of the gecko head.
He probably ate about 4 of them then came back inside to help me search for the bread rolls.
During the night he wanted to finish off the bread rolls and leave no evidence behind so I would always be super confused about what happened to them.
Lessons learnt....
Don't leave the side door open after bringing grocery's inside. It is prime opportunity for Brown to steal food and take it to his own house.
Put grocery's away straight away so Brown doesn't have the opportunity to steal food in the first place.
And most importantly....
Don't become complacent about Brown and Orange's ability to conspire against me at any possible moment!
